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News To Me: Rick Santorum Promises To Appoint Blowjob Police Task Force If Elected

Philadelphia PA (AP) – GOP candidate Rick Santorum announced that ,if elected President in 2012, he will appoint a special legislative task force to investigate and prosecute those who partake in blowjobs, citing his long-held stance against sexual acts that serve no function other than for procreation. A fierce opponent of all contraceptives measures, Santorum believes that sex between any adults should only exist between married heterosexual couples and only for the purposes of family creating. All other sex, Santorum stated, is “yucky”, and he has pledged, “if elected, I will fight for all Americans to ensure the only sex they have is missionary, plain, and with the purpose of building an American family.”

Santorum’s stance on reproductive issues have been a mainstay of his campaign, causing heightened reaction from his support as well as stark criticism from his opponents, composed of primarily normal people. While many people believe that Santorum’s views on the sexual privacy of Americans has no business in politics, his supporters are sticking behind their candidate and embracing his ideals.

“I love Rick Santorum, and I support his ideals on life and love,” said Capper Dohickey, a Santorum campaign volunteer working the phones for the GOP candidate in Boise, Idaho. “Rick stands for freedom, for Christians, and for people like me and you. He wants us all to be safe and there ain’t nothing safe about people putting their weiners in places they shouldn’t. Weiners are for lady parts and for making babies. Myself, the missus – we have 8 beautiful, happy and healthy children. And we’ve had sex eight – count em, eight times. No more, no less. Why else would we have sex unless we want to bring another bundle of joy into this world?” When asked if he supported Santorum’s blowjob task force initiative, Capper had to be told, and then diagrammed, what a “blowjob” was. He declined further comment and drove off moments later.

Santorum has taken aim at many aspects of sexual identity, taking stances against not just abortion but contraception and birth control. If elected he would be the first President to actively target the American sexual identity, not embrace it in the vein of such past stalwarts as Clinton or Kennedy. Santorum’s proposed task force against blowjobs could just be the beginning of the end for sexual freedom for all Americans.

Santorum demonstrates what type of oral positions will now be acceptable in society.

“I shudder to think about an America under Rick Santorum, people peeking out their window and such, looking out for the blowjob police, makin’ sure nobody’s knockin down that their door while they give a little sucky sucky to their husbands or boyfriend, it’s despicable,” stated CNN political correspondent and mischievious elf wizard James Carville. “What’s next? No blowjobs? No reacharounds? No Hot Carls? No Blumpkins? No Dity Sanchez? No, no, no. We got to put a stop to this craziness. Americans have a fundamental right to have the ability to blow each other. No one, not even that there President of the United States, can stand in the way of that.”

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