News To Me: Senate Approves Ban On Murder By Congress

The US Senate is ironing out the details on a proposed bill to make murder, or killing another human being, illegal for all members of Congress. The issue of Congressional murder arose soon after last week’s approval of a bill making insider trading, which was already against the law, illegal for the nation’s legislature.

The bill comes down in a scaled down version compared to the original draft. While the original would have outlawed murder outright, the new version contains a few loopholes. Under the ruling, a member of Congress may kill a person if they are “really annoying” or if they are “totally wrong” about a subject that the legislator disagrees with. Defenders of the loopholes claim that they are harmless, as Congress infrequently disagrees with each other and the world has mostly eradicated the “annoying problem.”

President Obama has said he would sign the bill. “I’ll sign it…in blood,” the president said, before winking and signing the bill without reading what it said.

frank lautenberg oldest senator

Frank Lautenberg, the nation's oldest senator, hopes to get a few last murders under his belt before the bill is passed



Timing of the measure comes as investigators are looking into the case of Dan “Buddy” Gringo, a Texas state senator who routinely mowed down a group of teenagers in what he called “a lapse of judgement.” The state police originally refused to look into the Gringo case, citing the killing as an accident. Gringo’s critics point to a mountain of evidence claiming to prove the senator’s guilt, including the fact that he somehow drove through a chain-link fence onto a baseball field during a town league game by ‘accident.’ Gringo claims that he thought the baseball field was a gas station because he left his glasses at home and that “these kids today, with their flood pants, they look like damn oil pumps.” A 12-member committee has been called forth to decipher what that statement means.

Some members of Congress have decried the measure as too much government overstepping. Representative Tom Shorn (D-Ohio) said the bill would clear the way for “abusive oversight that only wastes taxpayer money,” as he washed his bloody hands on his black tie.

Both the House and the Senate overwhelmingly approved the measure, citing the casual killings and threats as reason for their support. The measure will move the process onto the compromise stage, where another version of the bill will be written. Then, a committee will convene to decide on whether the bill will be written again. At that point, the bill will be eaten by two members of congress, who will regurgitate the half-digested bill into each other’s mouth. At that point, it’s time to “mark-up” the bill. The mark-ups are done in two stages, depending on the intensity of ultra-violet rays during that particular point in time. Finally, after the Congressional cage match to determine who adds the last amendments, the bill can be voted on. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid estimated that voting will occur “sometime in mid 2025,” while adding that the vote will “probably be held on the moon or something.”

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