Your write-in vote for the next election

A man going by the name of Jackmeoff Mudd was arrested in Florida. His real name is Brian Eric Rhodes but he goes by the alias of Jackmeoff Mudd because…it’s an awesome name.

Here’s a guy who was born to be arrested. You know this when the crime report begins a paragraph with, “His latest arrest occurred…”

This time, Mudd was banging on the walls of a public restroom. When a security guard tried to calm him down, Jackmeoff kicked a garbage can in his direction. The guard then followed him to a nearby park where Jackmeoff was drinking “high gravity beer” which I can only assume is the kind of beer that makes you resist arrest and hurl slurs at a cop. Come to think of it, maybe poor Jackmeoff just needed to pee from all that high gravity beer, which is why he was pounding on the bathroom door.

I demand justice for Jackmeoff Mudd!

Extra points for Dogan on his excellent barrel roll after evading danger.

Is it just me or did the inauguration this year have a lot in common with Jamie Kennedy’s New Year’s special?

If I were the Obama people, I would just say that it was all on purpose and they were going for some kind of surrealist comedy for 2013.

You can bet that lots more people would tune in.

Greetings my colleagues and minions,

Yup, I’m back. And isn’t my face red! As most of you know, back in April I traveled deep in the Bolivian jungle in order to prepare for the 2012 apocalypse. My plan was to build up a compound, wait out the storm of carnage, then repopulate the region. Then I would be able to fashion an army of my offspring, at the ready for my every whimsy of expanding  empire.

Well, like to put it lightly, my plans went awry.

As you all well know, nothing happened on December 21, 2012. Nothing happened, that is, except your humble master shitting in a diaper while a fraudulent shaman danced overhead before stealing my wallet. I had expected to drink the ceremonial ayahuasca potion, but instead was given a mix of Clorox and Pennzoil by the crooked shaman.

I returned to the real world a broken man with a very painful rear-end. How would I expand my empire now that the world remained as it was before 2012 day?

That’s when I decided to return to my roots: that is, hiring more writers to work for free!

See, I studied the methods of social networks like Friendster and Google Plus, trying to incorporate these into my business plan. I figure that if I hire one free writer, promise to pay them at some vague point in the future, then I can begin to build “networks” like they do on Yahoo Buzz! Pretty soon one writer will tell his broke friends that he knows a place where they can get paid (eventually) to write. Of course they won’t be paid but that’s besides the point. Next, those broke friends will tell their friends and tada! we’ve got the new Myspace! (minus the webcam invitations, but we’re working on that too)

Well I’ve been positive up until this point; now it’s time for the scolding.

It’s been a long road to this point but I assure you that your fearless captain will steer this ship rightly. There have been regrets, sure. On top of the regret list is putting Bobby James in charge during my absence. When I returned and logged into our servers, I could not believe what I was seeing. James turned this operation into a leftist paradise! I did not appreciate the Che Guevera flags hung all over the office, nor the fair trade coffee that’s eating away at our budget like cancer through a colon. Look James, people don’t want hard news, they want celebrities being made fun of, top 10 lists and fad diets. We’re not going anywhere trying to be “important” so give it a rest.

You are now officially reprimanded and will only be able to post once a week on a probationary basis. Why can’t you be more like Noah, or even Billy Zane?!

Well these are my thoughts. They say the third time is a charm and I’m hoping that’s true. I’m also hoping that the feds don’t repossess Mindwafers tower because I have a lot of stuff in those closets and I don’t have nearly enough Ebay time as I used to.

NOW COMMENCE WORKING!

Thank You

H.M.Mindwafer

After a record 1.8 million people attended the 2008 presidential inauguration, it appeared that the second time around wouldn’t be as impressive. President Obama addressed a crowd of dozens on Monday, confused as to why the crowds were so low on his second inauguration.

Obama was already speaking for 15 minutes when the first attendee showed up

The president remained strident, trying to fire up the crowd of approximately 32 people, including 4 groundsmen and most of Obama’s family (youngest daughter Sasha couldn’t attend due to a gymnastics meet). Obama declared this to be “the year where I work for you,” as he pointed to George Treacle, an unemployed toll booth operator, who ended up at the inauguration by accident after wandering off from a tour. Treacle then pointed at himself and mouthed the words “Me?” before Obama repeated, “Yes you, George Treacle.” The president then took requests from the audience about issues that he should tackle for 2013. Suggestions ranged from waste management ticketing protocol to limiting the amount of time you can take at a drive-thru ATM machine.

As to why the general population skipped out on the president’s big day is anybody’s guess. Some fear that it may be a sign of increasing apathy towards today’s political climate. Others see it as a form of protest, with the goal of getting government to start working together. But a third view proposes that this wasn’t a purposeful act at all, but that the country simply forgot about the whole thing.

This theory seems to be backed up by interviews with various Americans who attended the inauguration in 2008. “Oh damn!” said Steve Hasbro, after we asked about the inauguration. “I knew there was something else going on today, must have gotten hung up with MLK day,” Hasbro said as he exited a Target department store in Arlington, Virginia.

It appears that the nation experienced what is sometimes known as the Collective Flaking Phenomenon (CFP), a concept that has a surprisingly long history in our country. The term was coined by Dr. Seymour Eldridge in 1918 after the physicist/eugenicist noticed that World War I victory parades were attended by fewer and fewer people. After a period of study, Eldridge concluded that the entire nation had collectively forgotten about the events.

Experts on the history of CFP have now refuted Elridge’s theory, as it turns out that a massive outbreak of the Cincinnati flu actually caused the decrease in attendance.

The president reminded the crowd that “it is MLK after all” and that “people are busy”

Despite the refutation, some experts maintain that CFP occurred on Monday. “Irregardless of socioeconomic level, America made an interconnected, pan-continental boner,” said Dr. Hans Tigs, Director of neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins.

Others simply maintain that they were bored with Obama winning again.

“It’s kinda like the movie The Sixth Sense,” said man-about-town Shoam Levin. “Once you’ve seen it once you can’t really watch it again.”

Even though the inauguration had the attendance of a little league T-ball game, President Obama says he will soldier on into the future, full of “hope, dreams and most importantly, a new lawn-mower for Larry Krichlewski, the man standing 1st row center, who helped us haul in the PA system.”

Yeah I wrote dat

By: Stanley Steamer

Wit all these talks bout gun problems in the United Straights, we been hearing awful lots from awful lots of people. Everyone say we need to do sumthin bout guns but nobody agree on what to do bout guns.

One big problem is nobody wants to give up they guns in case of an attack, like a alien attack, or a government attack or even a heart attack. You can’t get away from attacks without guns and that’s a fact.

It seem da only thing people agree on is not give guns to mental ill. Both sides say it the problem of mental ill and not guns and that guns should not be give to mental ill and that mental ill cause all the problems.

Well I’m here to say stop in your trax Mr.Gun Problem!

I’m a mental ill person. I have skitzofrenic, bipola and dapresion. But why can’t I have a gun? I’m a American citzen just like you. Even the NRA says I can’t have a gun.

The 2nd amendment says:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Did you see the part where is said except da mentally ills? Neither did I. Cause it wasn’t there. But everyone even the NRA is telling people like me that I can’t have guns. So am I not a American people? What am I missin?

Someone send me dis news that say that mental ill only make 4% of gun kills in America. 4% is not alot, it’s only like 4 per cent. How bout takin guns from other 94% who is not mental ill?

Pluz I alredy can’t get guns in Arkansaw, Coneticit, DC, Massachusits, Mizori, Main, Kansis, New Jerzey, New York and Tennasea. Even in Georgia! I thought they give everyone guns!

NRA says that 2nd amendment says that the constitution says that American people should have guns but then says that mentally ill people shouldn’t have guns. So what is it? Plus the president says I shouldn’t have guns, but I’m not surprised because Bark Husane Obama is NWO and part of plot to take over world with illuminati with Jay-Z, Kanye and Bill Grates.

How come errybuddy agree on dis?

But NRA I’m surprise cause they say that some people shouldn’t have guns but how do they decide who gets guns or not when they say that originally everyone should have guns. Why me? Why not people who wear blue shirts or ride bikes?

My frend John tell me about this one ting. John wears dresses and hang out with guys. He say that mental ill were gay in 1950s. If that were today, John say, then gay people wouldn’t have guns. He say that mental ill not real and gubmint tell people if they mental ill or not to take away guns now.

NRA say that we need gun to protekt self but I can’t protekt self? I sleep outside. I need to protect self against guy in black hat who steal my stuff. Why can’t I protekt?

In conclusive I should have gun because I’m person and mental ill are person too and if you can have gun then I should have gun and if NRA says EVERYONE needs to protect self then I need gun too.

-SS

The ceasefire ended before Clinton’s hair dried

Why so cynical about a cease-fire? Well, let’s see…Israel and Palestine go to war as often as most menstruation cycles so forgive me if I think this one might not last. And let’s not ignore the fact that nothing, repeat NOTHING, was fundamentally changed in regard to what is causing these conflicts…which is basically that both governments are being dicks and the regular citizens have to suffer because of it. Sorry so crude…

The funniest part of the whole thing (well not really funny, but you know what I mean) is that a cease-fire agreement had already been drafted by the UN last week. But it was rejected because it was “too balanced.” That is, it blamed both sides for the conflict instead of just Palestine. The US wants Israel to be rid of all blame, even though Israel is the country that actually did the invading in the first place.

The war began 8 days ago when Israel invaded Palestine in response to what they said were constant missile attacks from the Palestinian side. What they forgot to mention was that the rocket attacks were in response to Israel’s assassination of Ahmad “Abu Mohammed” Al-Jabari, who was a leader of  Iz al-Din Al-Qassam Brigades, the miliary wing of Hamas. Interestingly enough, Abu was known for brokering cease-fires by working with Israel in the 1980s. Was this an accident? Did Israel discover Abu was playing them? Or did they want to get rid of any obstacles in the way of their war? We’ll never know because the media isn’t covering the story.

Whether Abu deserved to be killed or not is beside the point. Mainstream media reports have, almost without exception, neglected to mention the assassination, even though it’s clearly a big deal if you’re a Palestinian. Coincidence? You tell me…

Of course it only took a day before Obama, along with the rest of US declared their undying support for Israel and blamed Hamas for the fighting, even without knowing the details of the conflict. Way to be impartial…

To date, there has been over 100 Palestinians killed in the conflict, including many women and children. One strike in particular took out three generations of a Palestinian family in one blast. In contrast, a whopping five Israelis were killed. FIVE. I’ll hand it to Israel, they’re definitely efficient. What this does to promote future peace, I have no idea…

It seems that Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu was itching for a war. Remember Bibi was the one trying to nudge us into a war with Iran for the past two years, culminating in his amusing use of a Roadrunner style bomb at a UN meeting:

“All you have to do is wet your fingers and press on the wick”

Now that Obama was reelected, Bibi’s plans changed a bit. Obama is just as much a warmonger as Romney would have been. But the Hope and Change machine also doesn’t seem to be as enthusiastic about bringing armageddon to Iran as much as Romney. As you might have noticed, the anti-Iranian rhetoric has slowed down since the election. Hell, last week it was announced that Iran is closer to enriching uranium and it barely made a blip on the media radar screen. Anything odd about that?

So Bibi is denied Iran but he still needs a war. Elections are coming up and Bibi needs to solidify his war-loving right-wing. And when I say war-loving, I mean that Israel’s right wing makes ours look like a congress full of John Lennons! And war with Palestine is a never fail. Most of our country knows next to nothing about Palestine, except that its poor, crazy and in the middle east (we think, anyway). Bibi gets his war and everybody wins…except for the Palestinians of course. But they don’t exist anyway, right?

Napoleon Dynamite’s grandmother never really got the acclaim the other film stars received.

Do you recognize this professional womens’ softball player? Neither do I – but it’s actually George Wendt beneath those luscious golden locks and dangling turkey giblet. Unfortunately I wish he was in the spotlight for better news; he was recently hospitalized for chest pains and had to step aside from his recent run as a roadie and muff wrangler for the Indigo Girls — er I mean, his theatre role in an off -Broadway production of “The Odd Couple”. The man who will be forever Norm (what do you mean he was great in The George Wendt Show?) hardly resembles the stout yet proud beer tipper who never paid his tab at “Cheers”. He looks like his metamorphasis into the Romania Olympics girls gymnastic coach is nearly complete. But then again when the last 30 years all you’ve heard is people holler “Norm!’ at you while buying you beer after beer after beer, you probably let yourself go a bit. Best wishes for a speedy recovery…and a treadmill.