Extra points for Dogan on his excellent barrel roll after evading danger.
Is it just me or did the inauguration this year have a lot in common with Jamie Kennedy’s New Year’s special?
If I were the Obama people, I would just say that it was all on purpose and they were going for some kind of surrealist comedy for 2013.
You can bet that lots more people would tune in.
Greetings my colleagues and minions,
Yup, I’m back. And isn’t my face red! As most of you know, back in April I traveled deep in the Bolivian jungle in order to prepare for the 2012 apocalypse. My plan was to build up a compound, wait out the storm of carnage, then repopulate the region. Then I would be able to fashion an army of my offspring, at the ready for my every whimsy of expanding empire.
Well, like to put it lightly, my plans went awry.
As you all well know, nothing happened on December 21, 2012. Nothing happened, that is, except your humble master shitting in a diaper while a fraudulent shaman danced overhead before stealing my wallet. I had expected to drink the ceremonial ayahuasca potion, but instead was given a mix of Clorox and Pennzoil by the crooked shaman.
I returned to the real world a broken man with a very painful rear-end. How would I expand my empire now that the world remained as it was before 2012 day?
That’s when I decided to return to my roots: that is, hiring more writers to work for free!
See, I studied the methods of social networks like Friendster and Google Plus, trying to incorporate these into my business plan. I figure that if I hire one free writer, promise to pay them at some vague point in the future, then I can begin to build “networks” like they do on Yahoo Buzz! Pretty soon one writer will tell his broke friends that he knows a place where they can get paid (eventually) to write. Of course they won’t be paid but that’s besides the point. Next, those broke friends will tell their friends and tada! we’ve got the new Myspace! (minus the webcam invitations, but we’re working on that too)
Well I’ve been positive up until this point; now it’s time for the scolding.
It’s been a long road to this point but I assure you that your fearless captain will steer this ship rightly. There have been regrets, sure. On top of the regret list is putting Bobby James in charge during my absence. When I returned and logged into our servers, I could not believe what I was seeing. James turned this operation into a leftist paradise! I did not appreciate the Che Guevera flags hung all over the office, nor the fair trade coffee that’s eating away at our budget like cancer through a colon. Look James, people don’t want hard news, they want celebrities being made fun of, top 10 lists and fad diets. We’re not going anywhere trying to be “important” so give it a rest.
You are now officially reprimanded and will only be able to post once a week on a probationary basis. Why can’t you be more like Noah, or even Billy Zane?!
Well these are my thoughts. They say the third time is a charm and I’m hoping that’s true. I’m also hoping that the feds don’t repossess Mindwafers tower because I have a lot of stuff in those closets and I don’t have nearly enough Ebay time as I used to.
NOW COMMENCE WORKING!
After a record 1.8 million people attended the 2008 presidential inauguration, it appeared that the second time around wouldn’t be as impressive. President Obama addressed a crowd of dozens on Monday, confused as to why the crowds were so low on his second inauguration.
The president remained strident, trying to fire up the crowd of approximately 32 people, including 4 groundsmen and most of Obama’s family (youngest daughter Sasha couldn’t attend due to a gymnastics meet). Obama declared this to be “the year where I work for you,” as he pointed to George Treacle, an unemployed toll booth operator, who ended up at the inauguration by accident after wandering off from a tour. Treacle then pointed at himself and mouthed the words “Me?” before Obama repeated, “Yes you, George Treacle.” The president then took requests from the audience about issues that he should tackle for 2013. Suggestions ranged from waste management ticketing protocol to limiting the amount of time you can take at a drive-thru ATM machine.
As to why the general population skipped out on the president’s big day is anybody’s guess. Some fear that it may be a sign of increasing apathy towards today’s political climate. Others see it as a form of protest, with the goal of getting government to start working together. But a third view proposes that this wasn’t a purposeful act at all, but that the country simply forgot about the whole thing.
This theory seems to be backed up by interviews with various Americans who attended the inauguration in 2008. “Oh damn!” said Steve Hasbro, after we asked about the inauguration. “I knew there was something else going on today, must have gotten hung up with MLK day,” Hasbro said as he exited a Target department store in Arlington, Virginia.
It appears that the nation experienced what is sometimes known as the Collective Flaking Phenomenon (CFP), a concept that has a surprisingly long history in our country. The term was coined by Dr. Seymour Eldridge in 1918 after the physicist/eugenicist noticed that World War I victory parades were attended by fewer and fewer people. After a period of study, Eldridge concluded that the entire nation had collectively forgotten about the events.
Experts on the history of CFP have now refuted Elridge’s theory, as it turns out that a massive outbreak of the Cincinnati flu actually caused the decrease in attendance.
Despite the refutation, some experts maintain that CFP occurred on Monday. “Irregardless of socioeconomic level, America made an interconnected, pan-continental boner,” said Dr. Hans Tigs, Director of neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins.
Others simply maintain that they were bored with Obama winning again.
“It’s kinda like the movie The Sixth Sense,” said man-about-town Shoam Levin. “Once you’ve seen it once you can’t really watch it again.”
Even though the inauguration had the attendance of a little league T-ball game, President Obama says he will soldier on into the future, full of “hope, dreams and most importantly, a new lawn-mower for Larry Krichlewski, the man standing 1st row center, who helped us haul in the PA system.”