What is a Mindwafer?
Meet the Staff
From Boston to Honolulu and back, Mike has extended the reach of Mindwafers half-way to Asia. Too bad all he really has to show for it is a Mr. Miyagi-like control with a pair of chopsticks and a closet full of crappy Aloha shirts. Settling back in to the zombie graveyard better known as Corporate America, Mike finds himself with his least challenging job yet, which can only mean great things for Mindwafers fans around the globe. He has teamed up with long time friend Reece to explain in every way possible Why People Suck, and will let you know the rest of his demented thoughts on the Home page.
One part Constanzian-quirk, one part bearded retard, Reece has been blessed over the years to have a high end job, a wonderful girlfriend, and the chance to travel the world. Despite all that, he is still a neurotic, whining asshole obessed with Sarah Michelle Gellar and why people are so stupid. Reece started his bitchy ways over at myspace, establishing a cult following to his ridiculous Top Ten lists. At MinDwafers, his insight into Why People Suck and useless movie and TV trivia has garnered him praise from absolutely no one and caused multiple fights with his constantly disappointed friends and girlfriend. One of the most controversial writers on MinDwafers, Reece will stop at nothing to make you laugh, make you visibly uncomfortable and make you question just why you listen to anything he has to say.
Bobby James – Senior News Columnist
For as long as he can remember, B. James was always skeptical towards authority, starting his own resistance front when he was only a first-grader. Caused by James’ suspicion that the teacher had been hoarding cookies in the closet and wanting to redistribute the wealth, the young Bobby, with help from 15 boisterous, ADD-addled children, took over the Hard Lock Latin Academy. When Bobby turned six, he struck up a close and lucrative relationship with Fidel Castro, who taught the young lad that Americans smell funny. Bobby never forgot that lesson. He wound up writing for MinDwAferS after realizing that the revolutionary was no longer in demand due to our television and internet obsessed, lackadaisical culture. It also didn’t offer health insurance. Bobby signed a two-year contract, only to learn that MinDwafers not only doesn’t provide health insurance, but doesn’t offer any pay whatsoever.
Rod Pilf – Right Wing Renegade
Unsurprisingly, Pilf led the Student Republicans at Cornley College of Pharmaceuticals, helping to establish a conference entitled, “Africa: America’s Guinea Pigs,” which caused a sensation when it debuted, earning plaudits from such luminaries as Henry Kissinger, a young and less heart attacky Dick Cheney, former House Majority Leader Dick Armey and former Republican Committee organizer Dick Jhed. These days, Pilf has “had it up to here,” with liberals running the media, including his own employer, MinDwAferS. He openly despises the website despite continuing to contribute articles, which have never really been requested. Come to think of it, Pilf was never technically “hired.”
NewsBot3000- Automated Information Provider
Developed in the 1960s by NASA scientists, NewsBot3000 was initially designed to provide researchers with the most up to date readings on climate change. After the robot began harping incessantly about tax cuts and facts about the capital of Mauritania the scientists abandoned further development. Earlier this year the Mindwafers staff found NewsBot3000 at a yard sale in Billerica, Massachusetts for $4.50. They refurbished the dusty robot and restored him to his glorious fame. NewsBot3000 has its own three rules of robotics programmed within. They are:1) Deliver the latest breaking news in a fully biased manner.
2) Offend those of all politics, gender and social status.
3) Kill all competitors.As a result of rule 3, Bobby James and Rod Pilf have been stationed in a separate part of Mindwafers headquarters.
*Mindwafers has recently purchased an upgrade for NewsBot3000 which will allow him to now automatically generate the top stories of the day. Unfortunately the upgrade did not include any way for us to program what he will say or when he will say it – so expect mostly irrelevant stories and several missing days due to “technical difficulties”
Harvey Dent – Financial Adviser/Doomsday Soothsayer
When Harvey Dent left Harvard University with a masters degree in Economics, he was on top of the world. After being recruited by several Fortune 500 companies, Harvey took a job with the Peruvian government as the chief financial aid to President Alan Garcia in the Summer of 1986. Things started off well for Dent and the people of Peru, until a weekend retreat to Machu Picchu opened Harvey’s eyes to the genuis of the ancients. In the following months, he abandoned his post in Peru and left on a pilgrimage that ended at Chichen Itza where he lived among the decendants of the Mayan people. Once park rangers became aware Dent had been living among the holy ruins, he was forced to leave Mexico and return to the United States. Despite his early promise, the big corporate jobs were no longer on the table and Harvey was forced to accept a sales position at Staples upon his return. Needing some extra cash and Mindwafers unable to afford a Financial expert with better credentials lead to a match made in Heaven. Harvey Dent provides sound financial advice for the common man, educating us on issues like the interest rate, what our national debt means, and coming trends in the market. But Harvey never forgot the lessons the other people living amoung the Mayan ruins would teach him, and he spends most of his free time these days at the shooting range, taking canning lessons from a 93 year old woman, and dissecting every episode of Survivorman like Bill Bellichek in his film room – all in preparation for the coming end of days. Despite being hired as a financial advice columnisnt, Harvey hacks into the site at home from time to time to post examples of how society as we know it is crumbling down, and provides advice for what you need to be ready for when shit hits the fan. We would normally be pretty upset about something like that, but the rest of the staff is trying to stay on Harvey’s good side just in case he’s right about any of this.
Jacob Sussenberger – A/V Spelunker
When not palling around with Ben Vereen and writing unpublished off-off Broadway musicals, Big Sus spends his days writing complaint letters to the FCC and meticulously filing away his Jethro Tull LP collection. Sus gained early exposure as editor/domain master of the website Boom, which consisted of stills of movie boom mic slip-ups. His favorite movie is Don Juan DeMarco, if only because the bloated Marlon Brando reminds him of his grandmother. When greeting Sus on the street, please note he loves to start a conversation with the phrase “trust, you, me.” However, do not trust him by any means.
The Hamgurgler – Entertainment/Sports/Pest Control
With a degree from the world renowned Devry University, The Hamgurgler has been writing for the latter part of his life. As a lifelong subscriber to Highlights magazine, he began his career submitting stories and articles to the publication at the age of 24. After the editor at MinDwAferS discovered his piece on creating a jack-o-lantern mask out of a paper plate, he was recruited to be a full-time writer for the site. Now he is banking on the success of the website to be able to quit his day job and finally move out of his parents basement. When the ‘Gurgler is not writing, he likes to scare kids, admire female profiles on Facebook, and eat chipwiches. In other words, he’s just your average Joe.
Sal Pimento – The Unreliable Narrator
Sal “Tuck N Stuff” Pimento’s first memory takes him back to Spooner, Wisconsin, when he was a child of three. His parents would force Sal to impersonate then-child star Mickey Rooney in order to score free meals at Bennigan’s. From then on, Sal has had a 30-year love affair with switching identities, as well as an unhealthy fascination with then-child star Mickey Rooney. More often than not, Sal can be found around back at Wings junkyard, betting on cockfights while sporting a half-chublet. On one of these fateful nights, Sal realized that he had a higher calling; that of reporting the truth to the American citizenry and exposing the world’s powers as collusive and corrupt, while maintaining the highest dignity. However, he soon realized that being a proper journalist is hard work and Sal felt he wouldn’t have enough “me time”. This was especially tough since he would have to talk to lots of people, a skill Sal never quite mastered, having frequently made others nervous with his stammering cackle and inappropriate jokes. In fact, most of his conversations ended with Sal pretending to have a seizure so that his conversation could end. As a result, Sal tends to make up facts according to rumors, other news stories and his “gut feeling”.
FAVORITE QUOTE: ”Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates. You keep your friends close but…wait, that’s not how it goes…how does it…I think it’s you always get…no but I don’t think you get, I would get it right? You know the line though right? It’s from Jack, the one with Robin Williams as the genius guy that falls asleep? Ah, I don’t know…I’ll look under the bed for a box of chocolates.”
The Seagull – World’s Most Intelligent Sea Bird
Seagull grew up along the rocky beaches of Maine where he spent his childhood days hanging around clam shacks and pooping on tourists to pass the time. As a teenager he progressed to petty theft and was arrested for aggravated assault of a tourist at which point he was told by local law enforcement to either fly south or spend the rest of his teenage years in juvie. The choice was simple, but because his diet consisted exclusively of fried clams he only made it as far as Massachusetts where he spent the next several years hanging around clam shacks and pooping on tourists to pass the time. Realizing his life was going nowhere, Seagull decided to enroll in a local college where he soon found a job writing for the school newspaper. His column “Burning Poo and the Human Response” garnered critical acclaim across campus. It was during these years that he discovered his true calling… However, after college he reluctantly accepted a soul crushing sales position with a local seafood company selling frozen fried clams door to door, but was let go after a few short years due to poor sales performance and recurring complaints from customers of burning poo showing up on their doorsteps after unsuccessful sales attempts. Much to Seagull’s delight, his latest gig here at Mindwafers allows him to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming an international blogging superstar. He also has the distinction of being the first writer to be discovered through the comments section and now brings his uncensored random thoughts on a wide variety of topics straight to the Homepage.
Rex Payne – Sports/Resident Badass
Every sports department needs their ex-jock, and with no other English speaking applicants, Rex got the job by default. Growing up the son of a coal miner in western PA, Rex learned early on that life was about hard work, drinking cheap beer, and being a bad ass. A top high school football recruit, Rex attended Ohio St. where they pegged him their linebacker of the future. 3 weeks into the school year Rex had broken an Economics teacher’s jaw, driven a tractor into the dining hall, and been named as a person of interest in 3 separate sexual assault cases. In order to avoid NCAA drug testing, Payne enrolled at Division 3 Wilkesbury St. College where he finished as the leading tackler in Div. 3 history. There was talk about Payne potentially being drafted until his urine caused the testing machine at the combine to turn white hot and then explode into 1000 pieces, much like his quest for the NFL. Since playing a few years of semi-pro ball for the Scranton Foreskins, Rex Payne finds himself desperate and broke and lowering himself to a lowly columnist position on MinDwAferS.com. When he’s not writing Rex is bare-knuckle boxing for $50 purses, then spending it all on KENO and Miller High Life. “I always make reservations for my KENO chair before the fight, cause I know I ain’t losing. Ain’t gonna happen partner.” Rex may have made his name in football, but he also captained an intramural basketball team to 3 straight championship losses (mainly due to his many technical fouls), and currently is the 2nd DH for the Snarling Dragons of a men’s over 30 softball league. Someone once asked Rex a question about soccer….I think that dude is still in the hospital. They say he’ll never have kids….
Doza The Mendoza – Baller, Token Asian
Gather ’round – all 19 fans left of the NBA. A new voice has joined the Mindwafers staff – Doza Mendoza will be bringing you meaty helpings of roundball action. A lifelong Celtic fan and owner of the fiercest sports boner not medically induced, Doza will be breaking down NBA and sports action for the Wafe. Doza has been ballin since he was old enough to palm a basketball, which is ironic because he’s not tall enough to ride the Corkscrew at Canobie Lake.
Tuukka Dump – Senior Hockey Correspondent
Tuukka Dump first tasted fame at the age of 12 when he appeared as a member of team Iceland in Disney’s hit sequel to the Mighty Ducks movie, D2. Tuukka’s name has since been removed from the credits after the producers of the film read quotes of his criticizing the plot. “It makes no sense. Why would a team get to represent the whole country after winning a district championship? Oh what? They added a figure skater, a cowboy, and a girl, and that’s supposed to make it more of a national team? Fuckin stupid!” After a brief stint with 4 different teams in the Sweedish minor leagues, Tuukka came to America when the Philadelphia Flyers informed him that he had been drafted to the NHL. Unfortunately for Tuukka, before his plane had landed the Flyers realized they had contacted the wrong Tuukka Dump, and the whole thing had been a terrible mix up. Stranded in America with no money and no real life skills, Tuukka returned to the game he loved and now earns a living refereeing youth hockey games while moonlighting as Mindwafers’ resident hockey expert. Come to think of it, he’s not an actual “resident”, so if anyone asks, he’s an unpaid intern named Rick.
Urban Dicitonary describes the term Creep Show as “A creep to the max”. That ladies and gentlemen is exactly what you shall find here. The Grundle Gang can best be described as your weird uncle’s favorite rap group or as your step-daughters favorite obsession. The group consists of Ty the Train AKA the John Daly of rap and EMagee AKA the Indiana Jones of youtube . We were formed in the summer of 2009. We were just 2 kids with a hangover and a pipe dream, but the response we got from the locals was overwhelming. We went from drinking in our basements and doing prank calls to getting invited to the town’s hottest parties overnight. Later that summer we were featured on Barstool Sports, which guarenteed our local fame would forever be cemented right up there with the greats like Stevie Carter and Scotty Ringwood. Goodbye virginity, hello stardome. Now we have taken our talent to the blogs, and it’s going to get weird. So all you 30 year old guys and 15 year old girls out there - kick back and relax…Welcome to the Creep Show
Johnny “The King” Crab
Johnny “The King” Crab comes to us after a long battle with an eating disorder, where his diet consisted mainly of couch cushions and human hair. During an intense regression therapy session, “The King” defeated this strange mental disorder after finally facing the “garage couch incident with Uncle Ralph” and overcoming that repressed memory. A world traveler early in his career, “The King” has sampled many different cuisines in many different countries with the goal being to consume everything this world has to offer. An expert in many different types of food, he is a master of crabs. Not only has he sampled nearly every species on Earth, but he’s also caught the other variety during some promiscuous nights in Bangladesh, South Korea, Thailand, and others he can’t quite recall. Though he is currently clean from the creepy crawlers, you never know when his next bout with the bugs can occur. It was told that one night, to truly understand and become “One” with the crabs, The King stir-fried a batch from his own “private collection”. Now that he’s back to his former ways after defeating his eating disorder, Johnny is looking to get back on his feet, and apparently thought it was safest to start at the bottom of the ladder and work his way up. We here at Mindwafers feel lucky to have such a food enthusiast working for us and look forward to seeing what he has to offer.
Noah Goldfarb – Financial Jesus
When Noah’s wife asked her husband “What do you get the man who has everything?” Noah replied, “How about two of everything?” Goldfarb made his first million at age 7, working the shopping mall circuit and winning a record 8,452 spelling bees. To this day, Goldfarb’s spelling skills are so astute that he can tell if someone would misspell a word by the way they pronounce it. While it fascinates people, it also caused much aggravation and caused Noah to lose the majority of his friends. But this meant little to Goldfarb as he is much more comfortable in the company of money than other people.
Trip Marshmellow – Avid Pot Enthusiast
Hired by the Mindwafers staff on 4/20 because he had good bud on him, Trip Marshmellow is a local contributor to many underground cannabis movements and publishes a monthly pamphlet to support the legalization and decriminalization of marijuana in society. However he got high and forgot where he left all his newsletters so Mindwafers hired him to write occasionally about marijuana’s role in our way of life. When he doesn’t fall alseep on us, he promises to provide insight on the legalization movement and the role of drugs (legal or otherwise) in society and pop culture. All he asks is you don’t harsh on his mellow.
Nutsie Kerouac – Film Buff Naked
A long lost something or other of famed author Jack Kerouac, Nutsie is a brash, 80s loving buffoon who watches 67 hours of cinema a week in order to win s swoon bar cougars during trivia nights at local area Piccadily Pubs. Nutsie believes that movie-making glory peaked in the 80s and will defend the works of Spielberg, Hughes, and Zemeckis to the death. He also can’t get off his couch to defend anyone because he currently weight a metric ton.
With a big “Fuck you, I just farted and it stinks” to the RIAA, Reverend P is a connoisseur of fine cooking sherrys, Baked Lays, and all musical styles and genres. The good P has never met a band he doesn’t like. Except Linkin Park because those guys are fags. Reverend P once conducted a musical camp in the late 70s – the Black Beaver Revival Jam Band – but was later shunned from the compound when he was found in bed with all 3 of the Supremes (and two of the Temptations – hell it was the 70s, shit happens) With his whimsical album reviews and reports on the current music scene, Reverend P preaches the gospel of what shalt and shalt not be downloadth.
Blog Dogger Dog Blogger
The Internet’s first blogging dog, Monster lives with Mindwafers.com co-creator Reece and has become the unofficial mascot of the site. And much like its staff he loves crapping on things he has no control over and making a big deal over the plight of injustices. Like when you only get one cookie after you sit. He will be regularly contributing blogs that involving animals, particularly dogs, and will be sharing his love for Beggin Strips – and distain for squirrels - to an audience both human and canine alike. If you enjoy his stuff please rub his belly – he loves that.
Mr. Mindwafer – Publisher/Overlord of Mindwafers, Inc.
“I own you!”
Mr. H.M. Mindwafer inherited the business from his father, renowned philanthropist L.L. Mindwafer (Ladies Love Mindwafer). Back then, the company was a small shoe factory operating out of Charlestown, Massachusetts. After acquiring this sought after asset, young Mindwafer set out to conquer the arena of media with the goal of later conquering the world through the control of information. Thus far, he has only been able to generate about 1,000 hits per day and minimal advertising but he keeps his hopes up with a daily pilates class and the aphorisms of Mitch Albom. Mindwafer is known for running his business with a tight fist and won’t shy away from dangling a subordinate employee by their ankles outside the 84-floor Mindwafers Tower. Of late, Mindwafer has fallen into some debt problems, stemming from the $57 million he spent erecting Mindwafers Tower. He hopes that the clueless morons he hired to write for free will be his meal ticket out of debtor’s prison.
Could you be next?
Want to see your ugly mug in this spot? We’re always searching for new talent here at MinDwAferS considering any given weekend could result with any of our writers’ felony convictions, death, or being forced to flee to a country with limited internet access. If you want to show us what you got, add comments, comments, and more comments. Be sure to let us know who you are, and if you are funny/offensive enough, we will find a spot for you – I promise. Will you be the first to rise from the comments into an official MinDwAferist? Start flapping your gums.
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