I really wasn't sure where to post this; it's entertaining, it's news (to me at least) and it's a sport of sorts. But at the end of the day, tossing a baby over a balcony kind of sucks (at least for the baby). And what was the big deal about Michael Jackson dangling a baby again? At least he didn't let go. It appears he would have been celebrated in India. Now let's see some flying babies! -Big Sus Why People Suck, reason number 21: Nobody Likes Gross Naked People By Reece HBO does everything else so well. Run through their credentials - top notch original programming, terrrific cutting-edge sports and comedy specials, and some of the greatest televisions shows in the history of the box. The Wire. Curb Your Enthusiasm. The Sopranos. Sex & The City. The critical praise, the Emmys, the accolates, are all well-deserved and well-earned. Nobody makes a better program than HBO. When it's all said and done, HBO could be the most important and significant channel that has ever existed in our culture. It is nearly perfect. But holy shit how do they fuck up porn? HBO porn is one of the biggest disappointments in the history of dirty TV. While Cinemax is coming at you with Red Shoe Diaries and Co-Ed Confidential and Showtime has The L Word and Secret Diary OF A Call Girl, HBO just whiffs and fails at providing the weakest, lamest, and grossest – yes I said it, grossest – soft-core porn of any of the cable channels. G-Strings Divas? Great, feature a strip club where no girl is hotter than a 6, and that’s even with bad lighting and $12 micro-brews. Hookers At The Point? Yes because I enjoy my pornography to feature toothless crack addicts, pimps with velvet hats, and sagging, drug-ravaged breasts and cellulite. Taxi-Cab Confessions? Would be great if they eliminated each segment where the couple talked for 55 minutes and then got dropped off in front of a motel for sex in the last thirty seconds of the show. Oh wait that’s every segment. And of course, no list could be without the crowing jewel of HBO’s soft-core sexually dysfunctional line-up, the perpetually disappointing Real Sex series.  Does this go in the Long Wait bin or the Very Long Wait bin? Why People Suck, reason number 20: The Netflix Deal With Hollywood By Reece If an alien race ever landed on our planet and took a long, hard look at the last 15 years or so of technology, they would have to be be nodding their giant gray heads and widening their lid-less beady black eyes at how crafty the average human has become in such a short span. They would see that humans beings have an amazing capacity to develop and invent technology to stick it to The Man. The music industry wants to sell a crappy album for full price with one or two decent singles? Napster, baby. We invented peer to peer filesharing, and we forced the music industry to change their entire corporate structure to not only respect but also market their product online and in way thaqt didn't screw the paying customer. Society encouraging you to hit the gym, join a fitness club and lose weight? Wii Fit - the first video game designed to help you lose weight while playing with a magical wand of controllers and A & B buttons. Save your monthly gym money - buy Wii Sports Resort or Wii Big Beach Sports. And Hollywood making us drive to Blockbuster to rent their overpriced movies, threatening us with late fees if we don't rush back and return it before they say? They would see that we now have the ability to stream films onto our homes and PCs and that we can watch a movie that was once up at the theater now in our own bedrooms without having the leave for the video store. They would see this wonderous Netflix technology and have to be impressed that we finally stuck it to the movie studios. But I think after all that, after soaking in all these technological advances and seeing the huge strides made in transferring high quality video content to home theaters and computers, they would still ask us, What does Very Long Wait status mean?  Two of these people will discover masturbating later in the evening A Special Why People Suck Report By Big Sus I remember the first time I ever heard of the concept of a 'tweener.' It was on the Howard Stern Show, of all places, where Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling was describing a new product he was putting out; a talking doll using Jackie's real voice. Howard pulled the string and Jackie reeled a series of about 10 jokes so amateurish, so immature, so unfunny that you could hear the embarrassment creeping into the comedian's voice. The jokes were really low-brow stuff, like pee and poop jokes, with cheesy puns and an uncomfortably long laugh after each delivery. Howard said out loud what I was thinking, "Who the hell would buy this thing?" Jackie the Jokeman's answer was: Tweeners. For those unfamiliar with the term, a 'tween' is a kid in their preteen years, usually 11 or 12. Basically it's the middle school years, a child's most self-conscious, awkward, angry and overall miserable time. You're trying to find out who you are, you're not sure if you like girls or not, or, if you do, you're not sure why you like them. And with daily confusion naturally comes...shitty products aimed at those confused kids.  Ruining lives since 1962, one child at a time A Special Why People Suck Report By Bobby James Let's consider this hypothetical scenario: Say we found out that one of President Obama's staff continually molested children and the administration covered it up. Now when the scandal finally comes to light, the staff member isn't arrested, isn't even fired, but instead is just moved around to, say, the Department of Children's Affairs. Add to that, further information is revealed that the staff of every administration from the past 30 years - spanning Reagen, Clinton and both Bushes- were habitually molesting children and were subsequently shielded from the law. Would you still have confidence in our political system, knowing that our leaders were ignoring their own staff's child diddling? If you answer 'yes' then you are lying. We would revolt and demand justice, as well as a new government. So then why, when the same exact situation occurs in the Catholic church, do we virtually ignore this issue and let this behavior continue? Granted, the Catholic church isn't as powerful as it once was. However, the fact that the church is still able to operate at all makes no sense, considering their pretense of being the moral voice of much of the world, while letting its staff engage in the most revolting crime that we can imagine. It's like your dad telling you to do your homework, then going up to his room to smoke crack. It's widely known that child molesters are even looked down upon in prison, where they share cells with murderers and sociopaths. yet those very same child molesters are responsible for telling us how we should live.  A Special Why People Suck Report by Reece - In my younger days, I would eagerly look forward to the Maxim Top 100 list that Maxim magazine would put out every year - it was the perfect way to encapsulate the year's hottest women in the entertainment world and it became this generation's SI Swimsuit edition for a group of males that were no longer titilated by the tame bikini photo spreads of Tyra Banks, Elle MacPherson, and Kathy Ireland. In a world of readily available porn just a click away, SI and its two piece suits just didn't cut it anymore. Maxim knew what people wanted - the 100 best looking chicken in that given year, in provocative poses, in big, oversized calendar form that we could drool over and post up in the bathroom, frat houses, and bedrooms of the typical American male. And year after year they would list the hottest women on the planet - with a majority of them hitting the bullseye on the hot chick dart board of life. But lately, as I become older, wiser, and my thoughts became less and less dominated by the pursuit of all things boobs, I began to notice the trend that Maxim exercised when pumping out their famous Top 100 list. Years ago, you had your go-to's, your favorites, your Britneys, Angelas, the Jessicas, your Scarlets - and everything seemed copasetic. But lately, Maxim has been giving me the the What the Fuck treatment. It all came to a head when this year, the Top 100 winner was crowned to Katy Perry, the bug-eyed, weirdly dressed pop star that is married to Russell Brandt. HUH? WHA? WHO? Exactly. And then I reviewed the last few years lists and I came to a stunning conclusion. The Maxim Top 100 is no longer a sacred text that should be revered by young men trying to bust a quick nut while looking at picture of pretty Hollywood elite. No, the Maxim Top 100 is nothing more than a marketing tool to pimp out the hot celebrity of the moment. The Maxim 100 is no longer about hotness. In the words of BJ Snowden - Conspiracy! Hitler. Stalin. Ronald McDonald? 05/25/2010
 A Special Why People Suck Report From Reece Sometimes I am embarrassed to be from Boston. Between the Bruins collapse, the Aqua Teen Hunger Force "hoax" from a few years ago, and the follies of bumbling Mr Magoo Mayor Menino, sometimes I wonder if we are really the Hub of all things retarded. My disappointment in Boston escalated further when first reading this story, about a Boston-based nonprofit watchdog group calling themselves Corporate Accountability International, who is undergoing a campaign to snuff out, of all criminals, Ronald McDonald. HUH? According to Corporate Accountability International, Ronald McDonald and his image have been responsible for the rise in children's obesity rates, type 2 diabetes, and the health problems in America. They have launched at cartoonish website - http://www.retireronald.org - comparing Ronald McDonald to other ex-mascots like Joe Camel, the Marlboro Man, and Spuds MacKenzie (??) and are imploring people to sign their petition. Their Gestapo-like campaign to repaint Ronald McDonald's image as some burger-pushing drug dealer that swindles kids into eating heaps of calories is almost full circle. Soon they will be releasing video footage captured by hidden cameras of Ronald date-raping a college freshman at UNC after a frat party. Really? Of course not! What the fuck is going on in this world? How many sad pathetic people work at this company that they were sitting around one day, hoping to expose real corporate accountability, when they decided, "You know what, America is too fat. Let's blame that clown at McDonald's who seduces kids by whispering sweet nothings in their ears about burgers, fries and toys." Ugh. Fucking ridiculous. "On the surface, Ronald is there to give children enjoyment in all sorts of way with toys, games and food. But Ronald McDonald is dangerous, sending insidious messages to young people," said one spokesperson of CAI. Really? Ronald McDonald is a predatory marketing tool that brainwashes kids to eat Happy Meals with promises of a 12 cent toy that usually breaks in 2 days? Ronald McDonald may be many things - cheesy, goofy, maybe a bit creepy - but he's not some demonized food mongrer trying to bring about world obesity like some GI Joe villain.  The academic terrorist! A Special Why People Suck Report By Reece The hot story in Boston right now is the tale of Adam B Wheeler, the duplicious mastermind who, other than single-handedly bringing back the Canadian tuxuedo, frauded his way across the Bay State into our institutions of higher learning with fake transcripts, SAT scores, acceptance letters, and plagarized schoolwork. News stations across the city are running with this "story" about Wheeler, his web of lies , and are pushing his deeds to the frontrunning of every primetime news show, with sensationally cheesy headlines like "The Ivy League Imposter!" or "The Harvard Con-Man!" Everyone lost their shit about this guy - the first twenty minutes of last night's evening news were devoted to Wheeler; interviewing his classmates and former teachers, detailing his fake transcripts and resumes, and breaking down every thing he's done in his life since taking a poop one time when he was two years old. As of right now, he stands arraigned on 20 counts of larceny, identity fraud, and other charges. You would have thought he blew up a building and killed 100 orphans awaiting kidney transplants. nah. Just faked his way through some pretty prestigious schools but caught with his hand on the Smart-Starts jar. And the fast, lie-filled world of Adam Wheeler fell hard. But amongst all the news stations and blogs shitting on this kid, how about a little credit due to this sneaky, cheeky bastard? This guy fooled Harvard, fooled MIT, fooled Phillip Academy, and fooled everybody he ever met with his academic super-deeds. And he played the part well - look at his greasy hair and weird denim jacket - doesn't he look exactly like some uber-nerd that spends his weekends in the library? I mean, when Harvard saw his transcripts - straight As, classes at Oxford, books he had written - they must have cummed in their formal pressed khakis. "Holy crap he graduated Phillips Academy and MIT? Fuck the follow up, get this man in Harvard crimson!" If only he didn't fly so high to the sun (c'mon dude, you got a 1600 on your SATs? A perfect score? Not even Zack Morris got a 1600 on his SATs), he could have kept it going. Forge this, forge that, suddenly he's a budding MBA at Harvard Business School. A swiped paper here, a fake letter of reccommendation there, he could have been a young CEO on Wall Street. There was no limit to what this kid could have bullshitted his way into. That's gotta count for something right? A Special Why People Suck Report By Big Sus  'Timmy, quit being such a pussy' Fear sells newspapers, pure and simple. This is why news is usually negative and sometimes crushing, and also the reason why people tune it out altogether. The economy going to shit, China taking us over, Islamic fundamentalists planting a smartbomb under your sink, these kinds of things catch our eye. Start quoting statistics or even utter the phrase "it's more complicated than that" and watch thousands of eyes turn away. Fear strikes hard and it strikes even harder when it involves our children. You want to grab someone's attention? Tell them their kids aren't safe. Pretty soon, all rationality gets thrown out the window and any kind of response can be elicited; racism, hatred, believing Glenn Beck. The winner of the fear of the year contest goes to school bullying, which has been clogging up the headlines in the past few months, especially in our home state of Massachusetts. The issue picked up heat when a 15 year old girl hung herself in response to being mercilessly bullied by a group who used our favorite tool for faceless name-calling; the internet! Not only were these kids grade A assholes, but they were also tech savvy. Who knows, in an alternate universe, these kids could have been our interns or, even more perverse, the Mindwafers family could have never discovered their (pointless) talent of making fun of things and posting them on the internet, instead becoming professional bullies and being subject to this intense media scrutiny. But let's not speculate. Since the student's suicide, a few states, including Michigan, Chicago and New York have brought up the idea of introducing legislation dealing with school bullying. Following the incident, Massachusetts quickly instituted a bullying law, which gained a unanimous vote, mainly because voting against it would be the equivalent of punching a 6th grader in the stomach to most residents. But is the issue that cut and dry? Do we need to be careful about how we treat our future Biff Tannen's? I'm glad you asked:  Please trample your way to the 12 Items Or Less Line Why People Suck, reason number 19: Over Aggressive Shopping Cart Assholes Leading Off: Reece Hey quick question...Is it normal to enter a grocery store and immediately become defensive, surly, cynical, and think the entire concept of social norms have collapsed? It is normal to walk around entitled like you have the least stinkiest shit on the planet, to treat your shopping cart like some kind of armored tank, banging off other shoppers like buoys in the ocean? Is it normal to walk into a grocery and immediately want to react like the opening scene from the Sly Stallone classic Cobra? Sadly, in my last trip to the grocery store, I have answered yes to all these questions. I usually enjoy my weekly trips to the local M-B (that's Market Basket for you city folk). In this wonderful world of garden-fresh produce, well priced meats, and aisles and aisles of everything from artichoke hearts to ziti, I can meticulously plan my weekly dinners. Maybe a little baked pasta on Monday night, maybe a roasted chicken at $4.29 a pound on Tuesday, maybe fish for later in the week, some Cape Cod chips inbetween....I know, I'm clearly a pyschopath. But hey I like to cook. Some people get lost in museums or art galleries or whatever. I like to cook. Sauté. Grill. Fry. Marinate. I dig cooking. I didn't get the belly of a pregnant teenager for nothing. But my last trip to the grocery store pretty much encapsulted everything wrong with how society currently functions these days. The trip began with some dickhead taking about 10 minutes to decide between two parking spots to take in the middle of the lot, holding up a line of cars, including myself, behind him. The spots were probably 3 yards apart and might have been an extra 10 paces to the grocery store entrance. Why you would sit there and wait for a parking spot to be two miniscule feet closer to the entrance is beyond me. Fine, you're a fat turd and you don't want to waddle the extra 30 seconds. But inside the grocery store - well, to quote Constanza, "It's like Thunderdome!" People race down aisles, swinging their carts and kids like artillery as they scoop up their foods, with no regard for the people around them. Others mull around like cattle, standing in front of aisles or display cases, completely oblivious to others. I had this one woman teetering at the deli, balancing one leg, then the other, taking up like 4 spots at the ticket dispenser, staring off into space before she finally settled on one foot, and proceeded to take 3 hours to order some Land o Lakes. Other people whip around corners, playing demolition derby with their carts, and don't even offer an apology when they almost crash into you. And perhaps the worst offender of all, the person that seriously sucks more than any human being on the planet in the non-criminal category - is the asshole that does not respect the boundaries of shopper when at the check out line. | Why People Suck
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